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Hiding from the Camera
There are only a dozen family photographs of me as a child. There are a handful of elementary school portraits and class pictures. My high school yearbook. Then I disappear from sight. There are no...
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My Last Mammogram
I had my last mammogram on Monday. I put it off for four years and only made an appointment because my surgeon required it before he would clear me for top surgery (bilateral mastectomy). I’ve had...
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Every Shirt Tells a Story
My oldest piece of clothing is a heather blue wool sweater vest. It is over fifty years old and belonged to my Dad. I can’t wear it. My freshman year in college I washed it and threw it in the dryer. I...
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What I Did During My Midlife Crisis
Mea culpa. I want to apologize to all the middle-aged people whom I mocked, behind their backs, for what they did during their midlife crisis. I rolled my eyes at the $60,000 kitchen renovation with a...
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Measure Twice, Cut Once
Monday, the day I had top surgery, did not start off auspiciously. The car service called a half hour before the scheduled pick-up time to tell me they were running late. The car would arrive at my...
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Drag and Double Drag
I never pretended I was a boy. I just was the way I was. This flustered adults who (mis)gendered me as a boy. As if I was trying to pull something over on them. As if I was being dishonest. As if it...
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Have You Always Had That Mustache?
Now that I’ve had top surgery, I’d like to stop thinking about what to do next and settle back into my butch/transgender self. Without feeling pressured to be on some trajectory with an endpoint....
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Why I Like Happy Endings
I’m not a Pollyanna or a Little Lord Fauntleroy. I don’t expect the best from everyone, but I do like happy endings. Not happy as in a boy falls in love with and gets the girl, but happy as in the cop...
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Transitioning While Butch
I’m three months post top surgery and I’m happy to report that I’m as comfortable in my body as I can ever remember myself being. This morning I did push ups in the privacy of my living room; I was...
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Dysphoria, Body Image, and Self-Consciousness at the Beach
It has been almost two years since I went swimming. It is a shame. I love the beach and I love swimming in the ocean. I stopped going to the beach because wearing a women’s swimsuit hit the perfect...
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Being Visibly Queer
I was visibly queer before I was conscious of being queer. Back then, I was one of those kids you could spot a mile away and say “She’s going to be a lesbian when she grows up.” Now, you’d probably say...
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Informed Consent
I walked out of my appointment at Callen-Lorde, on Thursday morning, with a box of 30 packets of 25mg of 1% testosterone gel (Perrigo brand, expires 5/2018) and a signed Informed Consent form. The week...
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Chest Hair and Happy Trails
The barrista recommended the Sumatra Mandheling Dark Roast. He filled up my thermos cup and I told him that “I like coffee that puts hair on my chest.” It’s true. I like coffee that has a little oil...
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